Monday, July 28, 2008

Random Insights

The estimable Northern Planner has posted what he calls Some things I have noticed of little relevance.

Good on him. It's rather limiting trying to have insights just about cars, beer, jeans or mobile phone networks, is it not? Much more fun to have insights about whatever you want for a change.

Here's my ten:

1. It would be cheaper for an employer to have people bumped off than make them redundant. You can get a hit-man for around £5,000 in the East End, apparently.

2. How come one woman can have breasts that are 8 times as big as another woman’s, but there is no whole woman who is 8 times bigger than another?

3. There have been 80 generations since the birth of Christ. That’s not many. If you’re descended from Jesus, you’re 1/160 Jesus.

4. I no longer pick up 1p or 2p coins if I see one on the pavement. It has to be 5p. Even then I won’t if it’s raining. If it’s raining, it has to be 20p.

5. Wouldn’t it be ironic if the only people who COULDN’T be brought back to life were people who had been cryogenically frozen?

6. Kids don’t drink alcohol – they don’t need to because they don’t have jobs

7. Once you have a baby, you can forget about decaff.

8. Seeing as your parents are going to love you however you turn out, and whatever you do… is that love meaningful?

9. Most people support a football team because it’s their local team. But nowadays it's common that not a single one of the players is from there.

10. Cat shit is modular, like the body of an earwig or a giant ant or something.

45 comments:

markhadfield said...

Regarding point 1 - I used to know someone who knew someone in my home town in the North East who would pull out somebody's finger nails for a tenner each.

Lunar BBDO said...

Did you know that you use much less energy picking up a penny than you can actually buy with a penny?

As a financial decision, picking up pennies makes good sense.

But you look really pikey. Coppers are foul.

Mark said...

I just told my boss about 'point 1'.

I think that may have been a mistake.

rhayter said...

I wish Northern Planner worked at our agency.

Ant M said...

In this age of credit crunch, rising food/property prices etc, how can 'pound shops' continue to do business? Surely they're going to need to change their name to 'the two pound shop' or 'the fiver store' or something similar?

Anonymous said...

they just change their name to lidl

Darcie said...

I still pick up any form of currency on the ground, as long as it's heads up - and I make a wish. I'm a hippy like that.

Andrea said...

Yeah your parents' love is meaningful on a different level - you know, it covers all things, has faith for all things, hopes in all things, and it endures in all things.

Anonymous said...

re: point 1 i don't know why no one has tried to kill banksy now they know who he is, as the price of his paintings would be astronomical once he's dead, would be worth the 5000 as it would add at least 25000 to the price right? would even be worth the jail time...

borat's prostitute sister said...

i will pay anyone 5500 to kill banksy

Anonymous said...

I'm bored with this - can we talk about fallon juniors again?

Scamp said...

Now that really would be boring. I'd rather hear a random insight of your own, if you've got one?

Anonymous said...

Herbal teas might smell nice, but they all have the same bitter taste.

Anonymous said...

old women with mobiles just look wrong

Anonymous said...

Creatives are being used more as planners now. So, how long will it be before we are called the Creative and Planning Department?

Rooster said...

How come cats adore fish but are afraid to set foot in water?

How come Frogger is fun, but actually crossing the road is dull as fuck?

Anonymous said...

Home come we are sat here stating the fucking obvious??

Borat's prostitute sister said...

re: rooster

the fish question- everyone loves what they can't get...

50p aka kappa, ryan air, dell, swatch, greggs, heart fm, and said...

i thought this for ages,
http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/thereporters/markeaston/

and there are always lots of phones crowbarred into r'n'b videos

so blatant does it have any effect?

Anonymous said...

pennies are legitimate. pick them up!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFCjppyOkS0

Anonymous said...

Absolute tosh. All of it.

Who now finds themselves reading this blog, even though they don't want to? You check, just because you think there will be something interesting - but there never is.

laters...

(and if this is deleted, shame on you. This is the very reason for a comments sections. I'v spoke my mind, meant every word and not insulted anyone... merely offered subjective views)

Alan.

Anonymous said...

alan.

check the previous posts section.

i'd say a lot of the ground is covered. on a quiet news day what does it hurt just to get some conversation going.

you're not getting any action are you mate. you know it. even if you deny it.

bigger things to cry about it the world.

Anonymous said...

Don't be so miserable Alan.

Anonymous said...

Marmite on toast tastes better when it's cut diagonally in half.
The same goes for Coke. It tastes better out of the old shaped glass bottles, than a plastic one.
You do the math(s).

PS I invented the "while you're down there " joke. I fucking did and if you don't believe me I shall fight you.

Anonymous said...

Why does everyone else's food always taste better than mine?

And Why are there people called Alan in the world? Who wakes up in the morning and says to themselves, 'I know, if I have a son, I'll give the boring little shit no chance by calling him Alan.'

Anonymous said...

Never mind Alan.
It is a shit name, but why does anyone, ANYONE call their son Nigel? It's the unpopular adenoidal accountant name. It's losing your virginity at 28 in a really awkward but desperate prostitution scenario. It's masturbating into bri-nylon slacks. It's the Daily fucking Mail.

Scamp said...

So a post headed Random Insights is "tosh". What did you expect, Alan?

By the way, I found 50p on Carnaby Street this morning.

fred spilt said...

If sex is so much fun why is 'rape' so frowned upon?

Maybe it should be rebranded as 'surprise sex' then there would be less of a fuss about it.

Shane said...

Is it just me, or does everything tastes better when its free?

Anonymous said...

I've got 3 kids and no money, why can't I have no kids and three money?

(H. Simpson)

Anonymous said...

Coldplay sound great if you have a broken heart

4am said...

why do people use a tennis racquet to play pretend guitar but not a guitar to play pretend tennis?

Anonymous said...

There are NO scottish people called Nigel.

Anonymous said...

How come your girlfriend's friend are "our" friends, but your friends are always "your" friends?

Anonymous said...

There are NO scottish people called Nigel.

Anonymous said...

Really, there are not.

c said...

"replacing showtune lyrics with ad copy doesn't work, no matter how much you smile"

"bankers in suits on surfboards are over"

"spikey-haired grinning boytoys need to be shot on sight"

Anonymous said...

Anon 12.12.
'Our friends' are people that she has selected from your friends. She's just distanced herself from the ones that like to play on the XBox while smoking dope. I have the exact same issues. What's more, I can never say a bad word about any of her friends.... sorry, I mean 'our' friends.

mike said...

for an international comparison. I was visiting friends in Saigon (I think they call it Ho Chi Minh on the maps) who were working in advertising and they stated. Whatever you do...in Saigon just remember your life is worth $500US and they dont care what people think

Anonymous said...

How come you can 'have' a shit but as soon as you have it, you let it go?

Makes no sense at all.

Anonymous said...

How can you be descended from Jesus. I don't remember him having children.

PH said...

Au contraire my friend. Read 'The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail.'

]-[appy Thought said...

As soon as someone begins a sentence with the word "technically", you know whatever comes afterward is going to make them sound like a c*nt

Mike Laurie said...

I think you're a closet Planner.

Dennis G said...

Point 3 is wrong.

After 80 generations you are NOT 1/160 part of the initial individual (unless there was extensive inbreeding). The real number should be 1/2417851639229258349412352, i.e 1/(2^81). But who's counting?