Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Top Ten ‘Lies Account Handlers Tell’



1. The meeting went really, really well

2. This is the last change, I swear

3. The deadline is [time]

4. We’re not officially divorced, but it’s on the way

5. The client wants something edgy

6. Don’t worry about the budget

7. The client loves the idea

8. Rough layouts will be fine

9. It’s just a small change

10. We won't sell the safe option, but we need it there to show that our preferred route is better

P.S. I'm not talking about you, my friends the BBH account handlers! I'm talking about other account handlers.

Adapted from a post on Creative Beef, a US blog that's subtitled 'Horror Stories From The World Of Advertising'.

Add your own fave fibs below.

64 comments:

LimitedTimeOffer said...

This is truly great work. I can tell you've spent the last 4 weeks since the brief working intently on this brilliant execution, and I look forward to basking in the clients favorable reaction. There is no way art of this magnitude could have been put together during a hungover haze this morning, or mistaken for some of your student portfolio with our clients' brand name hacked into it.

Anonymous said...

Top ten lies creative people (not W+K creatives, obviously) tell:

- we've only gone and cracked it!
- it's not about the money, the director's doing it because he loves the idea
- the only person in the world who can do justice to this script is Budgen (or Lynch, Gondry, etc)
- I didn't realise that bottle of wine was so expensive until after the bill arrived
- we'd really love to be able to work on the brochure/website/shelf wobblers but unfortunately we'll be too busy doing the post on the TV to focus on that
- it was a working lunch
- this is gold (love)
- actually (insert name of famous campaign here) was all my idea but I never got the credit
- awards aren't important to me
- what I hate about advertising is the shallowness, deception, waste and triviality of it all

Paul said...

If you don't do what I'm saying we're going to lose the business

Anonymous said...

No no, I get it.

I'm just worried that the client won't.

Anonymous said...

haha, the starters for ten we wrote in the brief, they're not really, I mean, we know that they aren't haha, you know, you don't have to use them or anything, it's just, the client said, you know, well, it doesn't mean you have to use them or anything...

Anonymous said...

How can you steal this post? that's wrong scamp! there is a code between bloggers.

Not in Kansas said...

I am working with an account that always says with nauseous laughter: I am giving you a total creative freedom…

And after a day comes with a list with 20 bullets how everything will be…

I also “like” these lines:

Why don’t you think for the client?
Why don’t you think AS the client?!
I wish you were more constructive.
I see the TVC…
Lets show some team spirit!
This is too…
Why don’t you have a goodwill…
Look I am not a designer but gold is in fashion right now.
I am here to be professional…
Can you make this joke softer/smaller…you know?
Pleeeease, someone can be offended use more euphemisms

Anonymous said...

most common lie "i haven't got chlamydia i swear, you must have got it from someone else!" fucking slag!

Bentos said...

Killer app!

Anonymous said...

i fucked an account girl after a particularly successful night at the d&ad's. she kept shouting you're a winner.
weird.
i buried her on clapham common.

Anonymous said...

The one our bunch of c**ts say all the time is...

"the client just wants to see the other (thier shite suggestion) version... they won't buy it.'

Anonymous said...

anon 12.53 is so spot on, they've even created a starters for ten section on the brief. i'm collecting them

Anonymous said...

'That's...interesting' (but i have absolutley no intention of ever presenting this to client.)

'A bad accounts guy version of this would be...' (completely fucking useless, so shut the fuck up)

'They really, really like it... but' (i can't sell it, i have no balls and want to snivel my way to the top like everyone else.)

'I'm just going to play devils advocate but...'
(no your not, your going to play being a total client sucking wanker)

'I think the line can work harder' (my client doesn't like the line)

'We need it for end of play'
(i need it right fucking now cos i always over promise and thus climb the ladder of account wankness as quickly as friggin possible)

Anonymous said...

'It's only a tissue meeting.
It's not about blowing out work.'

tinkle day lewis said...

A lot of the lies account men tell creatives are lies they've been told by the client. They've just been naive enough to believe tham.
The most hilarious one of which is,

"The client says go really mad on this one."

When you have done the work they then say,

"Not that bleeding mad."

And they end up doing the stuff they've always done which causes not a ripple of effectiveness. Then again it doesn't actually cause sales to go down. And if the research has approved the normal ad and teh agency have been forced to make the changes the research has suggested, however nonsensical it may have been, then the client's job is safe. And that was the real effect the client was hoping the ad would achieve all along.

Scamp said...

2.47 yes there is a code between bloggers, it's called linking back to your source, which I did. If people like the list idea, then they might visit Creative Beef. Fair, no?

Lunar BBDO said...

I like the idea that anything has a deadline of last thing on Friday. Funny how often that comes up, though...

Anonymous said...

top lie W+K tell......


We don't make ads, we make ideas.

Anonymous said...

Arse from elbow?I know this one...

4am said...

You know when you're walking along a main road and then you come to a side street and you start crossing but then your rhythm is interrupted because there is an approaching car and you look out of the corner of your eye to see if the car is going to be able to pull into the road straight away and you see that it won't be able to because there is a couple of cars coming but then you think that he is approaching rather fast so you wait and eye him off and see if he is going to stop to let you cross in front and then he doesn't so you have that moment of contemplation as to whether you wait while the two cars pass and he pulls into traffic or you walk around the back of the car and risk wasting your time and energy because by the time you get to the back of the car he'll probably start pulling out and then it's taken you even longer and if there's someone else who has waited, then you feel like a bit of a dick and then if you look at the bigger picture you're only talking about a saving of literally five or six seconds so what's the point and maybe it's better just to wait until he's pulled out and then continue walking? well, that's how i feel about timings that clients give account people and account people pass on (with a built in contingency of a couple of days) to creative departments. and when you get something that's needed on a friday, for instance, and you haven't had much time on it in the first place and you ask why it has to be friday because decisions don't get made on a friday (i'm not sure what the best decision day is, probably a tuesday, wednesday or thursday) they never have an answer. and it makes me think how ridiculous all the timings are. everyone needs to just relax and take their time. nothing is THAT urgent. it's an advertising agency not a fucking hospital. there is no difference between a friday deadline and a monday deadline. and to all you smart account people out there, here's a lesson for you; a creative with any real passion will take that problem home with them over the weekend, thus giving you 48 hours of free creative resource. whisper that into the clients ear and they will think you are a really clever clog.

Mark said...

re: Scamp 9.59

I read your post. I liked it. I visited Creative Beef. I liked that too. So I bookmarked it.

Anonymous said...

This is the sort of post/comment thread that makes me a little bit depressed about our industry - this prevailing idea that it's not just bad clients, bad briefs or (heaven forfend) bad creatives who are to blame for sub-standard work, but that there are actually malevolent forces at work within the agency itself, throwing up mendacious barrier after mendacious barrier, constantly derailing that Grand Prix...

Yep, I'm an account man, and yep, I view it as my job to ensure that the best possible creative work makes it out onto the TV, hoardings, web or wherever. Are there really account men out there who don't believe that, and if so, how do they still have jobs? Or is 'blaming the account man' just another way of passing the time between briefs?

Anonymous said...

It used to be 'we want a new Tango' now it's 'we want a new Gorilla'. Both lies lies lies

Anonymous said...

Look, account man, it's all a bit of a laugh.

Stop taking it all so fucking seriously. That's one of the things you lot do that make us think you're all twats.

(a/c man lie: laughter during brilliant ad that they don't get)

Anonymous said...

4am: You've just fucked all my future weekends up, cheers.

Account man above: Don't be depressed, it's not your fault, we just don't like you.

Anonymous said...

When I didn't agree with a pretty major change a junior client wanted to make to a cut before he would show his boss, our account man yelled at me 'look this isn't your fucking ad this is my clients ad, do the change or I will'.

The account man was a nice guy on the whole, but we had to let him go.

We didn't make the change and the ad got sold and got in the book.

Anonymous said...

10:36 AM

as a creative, i'm glad you chipped in.

i have to say, it's a poor excuse indeed if you believe that it's all the fault of the account men.
you're masters of your own destiny.
if you don't think the suit can sell the work. sell it yourself.
if you don't think he's taking the correct brief from the client. be there at the briefing.
he'll learn from you and you'll see his side of the story. and if you find an account man you trust and is good. insist on working with him when you can and get him to mentor a 'not so good' one where you can.
there's no problem you can't fix yourself. the only thing that doesn't fix it is moaning about it and using it as an excuse for the failure of your success.

brake dollinge said...

I like 'we've really pushed back on this one, but they're basically saying jfdi.'

no you haven't, jeremy, we're in an open-plan office and I've heard the conversation. mutely going red while someone shouts at you down the phone doesn't count as pushing back.

we need these lies, though, for we are precious egotisitical children. the last place I worked there was a young feller who was patholigically incapable of lying. it was like he'd been dosed up with some interrogation drug or he was on day release from a religious order or whatever.

he was quietly let go after he enraged the creative department for the nth time by stating plain facts such as 'I don't really get it' or 'the client is a recalcitrant moron and I really can't be arsed to waste my shoe leather on taking this over'.

he was hilarious.

Anonymous said...

@10.47 - 84 comments on whether or not Gorilla worked (it did), and I should stop taking it all so seriously? Bring on the crazy fun...

On a serious note, it does smack a little bit of playground to retort with 'God, I was only joking...' the second someone takes offence. Heaven knows I wouldn't claim to understand the pain and angst that you verbal/visual magicians go through to 'create' - the very thought brings to mind that line from GLC: "I tried to see things from his point of view, but I couldn't fit my head up his arsehole too."

xx

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

See, now THIS is fun.

You're all needy, neurotic bundles of stress and pretension who will never be quite as good as you think you should be (possibly because you spend all your time blaming other people on media blogs), and we're the hard-working, diligent, dedicated rocks that ensure anything you ever do sees the light of day. And we're normally better writers than you.

On a tangential point, isn't it weird that Blogger flags the words 'blogs' as being misspelt? It's like predictive text on nokias struggling with the word 'texting'. (In my free time I do stand-up comedy in the early 90s.)

Anonymous said...

the floodgates at the mouth of the river 'cunt' are about to open.

prepare yourself for the onslaught.

Account Handler said...

Brake is right - we have to lie for fear of crushing your petals.

Also, most clients are trying to keep their boss/board happy, especially given that marketing teams are generally criticised more in the business than any other department...that results in stupid deadlines, misunderstood work, "safe" campaigns. We have to be cognisant of the kind of pressure they feel as we manage the account.

Anonymous said...

I am (almost) literally moistening at the prospect.

Or, perhaps I'm wrong, and nobody will rise to it.

That would be disappointing.

Anonymous said...

Predictive text is for puffs.

Anonymous said...

Come on...all account people are total cunts.

Why would you want that job of being thought of as a total prick by two sets of people all day long?

I'd rather lick out my gran than spend a day as an account handling cuntwit.

Anonymous said...

Aren't all creatives essentially frustrated directors/novelists?

I was hoping for better than this. Where's the vitriol?

Anonymous said...

but your gran tastes so good?

tarquin said...

Creatives are all Hoxton-y, low trouser, self absorbed cunts who haven't really got a fucking scooby yet they like to pretend 'the reds are too hot in this layout' or a green grade makes a piss of difference.

Cunty pricks

Anonymous said...

I licked out your gran this morning, then I sucked off your Grandad.

It was a beautiful moment that is now on youtube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHg5SJYRHA0

Anonymous said...

The much-quoted Don Draper line seems relevant to this thread:

"They can't do what we do and they hate us for it."

Oh and 11.30, 'tangential' is one of those wanky words that suits use to convince themselves that they're better writers. If that's the case, switch jobs and earn better money without having to kiss bum all day.

Anonymous said...

And mendacious.

Leave the writing to the professionals you account man horse's foreskin packed with flyshit.

Anonymous said...

I heard that blogger have developed new software to show the identity of anonymous comments.

Anonymous said...

Now we're getting somewhere. And I totally agree with you - the English language would be much 'more good' if it didn't have such a massive fucking vocabulary. And was always written in crayon.

And why on earth would I want to change jobs? I get to tell you cunts what to do. Besides, more often than not writing emails that sell some of the shit you fuck-knuckles churn out is much more challenging than coming up with the rancid jizz-flecks that you try and pass of as ads.

Anonymous said...

Anyway - hate to love you and leave you, but, as I'm sure you'll have noticed, it's nearly lunchtime. I'll catch up with you all in a few hours.

PS Account handlers who say, "If you don't do it, we're going to lose the business" are DEFINITELY cunts. No arguments from me there.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

It's not a lie, but the phrase 'client mandate' is both irritating and doesn't mean what you think it does.

Is this where I write c*** or t***?

provato said...

biggest lie of all:

I am not trying to do your job, I don't want to be a creative!!!!

mazloz said...

common creative lie:

"I have a great idea".

Anonymous said...

I heard that blogger have developed new software to show the identity of anonymous comments.

12:24 PM

yep. it's quite easy. give me a post time and from their IP i can tell you their email address.

Anonymous said...

i think she was trying to be scary.

Anonymous said...

Ex-account man here. Just to say that there was nothing - NOTHING! - a creative team wouldn't do for you if you offered them lunch. Yes - it really was that simple.

George said...

Watch this. It's fucking brilliant.
http://creativity-online.com/work/view?seed=349ffa2b&category=

Anonymous said...

George.

That was put up on Lunar's blog this morning.

George said...

And I totally nicked it.

The Station Master said...

i'ts even on brand republic

George said...

And I just got forwarded it by my mum too. Why am I always the last one to know......

I enjoy my work said...

Oh ace I can do some real swearing here...

Right. I once worked with an account fucker who would regularly change my work without telling me. A week'd go by and X-job would come back to me for ammends because my copy "didn't make any sense." Eh? (scratches head and looks at document in idiot's hands) I'd then spend 10 minutes explaining to her that the reason it didn't make sense was because she'd changed it. "But this is the copy you put on the server" she'd adamantly shit out of her mouth. "No it isn't" I replied, "Because I don't put work on the fucking server." I'd then show her my original copy that made perfect sense and proceed to beat the demons out of her cunt with a special stick we'd had made.

Accounts folk, eh. They're like fucking cockroaches.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Hello.

Anonymous said...

I hate them almost as much as I hate myself

Anonymous said...

Eh Scamp! Watch what you say about Account Handlers. You might find yourself going very, very hungry!

Scamp said...

That was my wife, folks

erin said...

great comments! I'm a media buyer so I love watching account people and creatives fight on a daily basis- great entertainment. Can't we all just get along and blame the client for everything?